Get a Real Deal at the bike store....

I love going to a bike store and checking out all the newest bikes, gear, clothing, etc. I usually wait til a big locally owned store here has its once a year 20 percent off sale. Because everything there is normally annoyingly overpriced, the 20 percent off sale is the only time you have half a chance of getting somewhat of a deal.

But even then it’s debatable. I mean, these guys work with the Macy’s pricing psychology. They have an original price that is way too high. Then they advertise they’re having a sale. By the way, when does Macy’s not have a sale? So the sale prices are just reductions of a price that was way too high in the first place and no big deal, really.

But these crafty retailers know that we eager consumers love to think we got a deal, even if we’re really not getting one. If we think we’re getting a deal, then we’ll, we’ll… buy!

Ca—ching!

So there I was a few weeks ago shopping for a few items I could get at a semi good price for 20 percent off. This store, which will remain nameless, is obnoxious, by the way. Obnoxious when there are no good sale deals – all but one weekend in a year – and extra obnoxious during the weekend 20 percent off everything sale. They put out fliers to bring in the buyers. They put tents out in front of the store and pull all their new cruiser bikes out on the sidewalk to attract attention.

Then they have every employee on the payroll walking the floor to make sure you’ve found everything you need, and you’re not shoplifting, or trying to. So I’m walking around, and hey, I’m shocked when an employee suddenly asks me if I’m finding what I’m looking for?

“I need a pedal wrench,” I tell him. So he motions me to follow him and all they have is a set of hex wrenches, which I already have. So they don’t have a pedal wrench. “Sorry about that,” says the guy.

I wander some more and find some biking shorts that I grab to buy. Then I wander some more, and another guy says, “Can I help you to find anything?”

“No, just looking.”

I look through the bargain rack of biking clothes and only find one deal, a winter jersey, but I don’t need one of those.

I wander some more, and look aimlessly around near the mechanics’ area, when the storeowner (I’ve seen him enough before, I recognize him, but he doesn’t know me).

“So,” he says to me. “We’re waiting for maybe somebody else, maybe a wife or a girlfriend to get their bike fixed?”

“Uh, no,” I say, while thinking WTF?

This doesn’t stop him.

“So maybe we’re thinking of something we want to buy, but don’t know where it is?”

“No,” I say and walk past him. I’m thinking of his use of the royal we, and I’m very very tempted to say a line I heard once in a movie. “Who’s this we you’re talking about, got a turd in your pocket?

I lose the owner but ask an overly perky staffer (I think they were all preprogrammed to tell themselves to smile more and be helpful!) if they have any sun protectors for the arms. Or, arm condoms, as I refer to them, but only to people I know well.

She leads me to the desired product and there’s only one set left, so I snatch it up. By now, the store is crawling with customers and bored employees milling around aimlessly, and I’m starting to feel like I’ve had enough. I’d only been in the place for about 20 minutes and that was about all I could take. I buy my stuff and on the way out, a checkout guy takes a friendly look into my bag for my receipt…just to make sure I haven’t boosted anything. Nothing personal.

Anyway, the bike store has been there for years, so they’ve probably stayed in business by taking the shoplifting precautions they take. That, along with consistent overpricing, is apparently their formula for longevity.

But OK, all that just makes me a once a year customer! Because, hey I’m cheap! As Austin Powers would say, that’s how I roll, baby! I need real deals, not BS retail deals, because said real deals are out there if you beat the bushes a bit.

So even though I like to support the local mom and pop brick and mortar bike shops, I just say no if their prices are ridiculous! Which is unfortunately often the case. So once a year 20 percent off sale it is for me. I know, I know, you’re thinking, what a cheap fucktard! And I’m OK with that! You see, I sell pencils on the street to make ends meet…

Anyway, in the interest of fair play, here’s a little video from the point of view of those hardworking people that do retail sales. Definitely, a low paying, underappreciated job. Check it out…

So OK, back on track to the cycling world...

Skin protection

I ride a lot in the summer sun and I bought the arm condoms – they’re white, tight and breathable, so your arms stay cool even in the sun and heat – because the skin on my arms were taking a beating from the sun and wind on sunny rides. I was using sunblock on my face arms and legs, but my arms weren’t getting enough protection. If I didn’t do something, it wouldn’t be long before they’d start looking the arms of one of those old overly tanned, leather skinned fat American retirees camped out in an RV old folks caravan on a Mexican beach. You know the look. Big boiler belly, skinny arms and legs, nut brown wrinkled leather skin, red marble bag Speedo. Gnarly!

So I got these white Pearl Izumi arm condoms, and I’ve found they really work great to fend off the sun and wind, while keeping the arms nice and cool. Give ‘em a shot if your arms are regularly torched.

By the way, the best sun protection for the face is sunblock stick made for babies. The key is having an active ingredient of zinc oxide, and/or titanium dioxide, which will actually keep the burn off your face. A lot of the stuff on the market says 70 SPF, blah blah blah, but if it doesn’t have the magic active ingredients in it, it won’t do the job, and your skin will burn. The good stuff  -- Aveeno and Top Care are a couple brands -- has a chalky consistency and some riders may not like the whitish tint it gives your face when you rub it in. I don’t care, since I’m fair skinned and need the protection badly. So what if I look like a mime when I go out to ride! Not a problem for me. Melanoma fears trump vanity every time.

By the way, the same goes for sunblock lotions. Make sure they have the zinc oxide, titanium dioxide or both. Banana Boat makes the stuff, and it works well for leg protection, and arm protection if you don’t use arm condoms.

Til next time, remember to always put on a helmet before getting on the bike. Then when you’re riding, do everything you can to keep the rubber side down!

-- Mark Eric Larson

Mark Eric Larson has written two books of essays, "The NERVE...of Some People's Kids," and "Don't Force it, Get a Bigger Hammer. To read, visit: 
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelfHis blog of personal essays is at: http://marksmuzings.blogspot.com/