Get a Real Deal at the bike store....

I love going to a bike store and checking out all the newest bikes, gear, clothing, etc. I usually wait til a big locally owned store here has its once a year 20 percent off sale. Because everything there is normally annoyingly overpriced, the 20 percent off sale is the only time you have half a chance of getting somewhat of a deal.

But even then it’s debatable. I mean, these guys work with the Macy’s pricing psychology. They have an original price that is way too high. Then they advertise they’re having a sale. By the way, when does Macy’s not have a sale? So the sale prices are just reductions of a price that was way too high in the first place and no big deal, really.

But these crafty retailers know that we eager consumers love to think we got a deal, even if we’re really not getting one. If we think we’re getting a deal, then we’ll, we’ll… buy!

Ca—ching!

So there I was a few weeks ago shopping for a few items I could get at a semi good price for 20 percent off. This store, which will remain nameless, is obnoxious, by the way. Obnoxious when there are no good sale deals – all but one weekend in a year – and extra obnoxious during the weekend 20 percent off everything sale. They put out fliers to bring in the buyers. They put tents out in front of the store and pull all their new cruiser bikes out on the sidewalk to attract attention.

Then they have every employee on the payroll walking the floor to make sure you’ve found everything you need, and you’re not shoplifting, or trying to. So I’m walking around, and hey, I’m shocked when an employee suddenly asks me if I’m finding what I’m looking for?

“I need a pedal wrench,” I tell him. So he motions me to follow him and all they have is a set of hex wrenches, which I already have. So they don’t have a pedal wrench. “Sorry about that,” says the guy.

I wander some more and find some biking shorts that I grab to buy. Then I wander some more, and another guy says, “Can I help you to find anything?”

“No, just looking.”

I look through the bargain rack of biking clothes and only find one deal, a winter jersey, but I don’t need one of those.

I wander some more, and look aimlessly around near the mechanics’ area, when the storeowner (I’ve seen him enough before, I recognize him, but he doesn’t know me).

“So,” he says to me. “We’re waiting for maybe somebody else, maybe a wife or a girlfriend to get their bike fixed?”

“Uh, no,” I say, while thinking WTF?

This doesn’t stop him.

“So maybe we’re thinking of something we want to buy, but don’t know where it is?”

“No,” I say and walk past him. I’m thinking of his use of the royal we, and I’m very very tempted to say a line I heard once in a movie. “Who’s this we you’re talking about, got a turd in your pocket?

I lose the owner but ask an overly perky staffer (I think they were all preprogrammed to tell themselves to smile more and be helpful!) if they have any sun protectors for the arms. Or, arm condoms, as I refer to them, but only to people I know well.

She leads me to the desired product and there’s only one set left, so I snatch it up. By now, the store is crawling with customers and bored employees milling around aimlessly, and I’m starting to feel like I’ve had enough. I’d only been in the place for about 20 minutes and that was about all I could take. I buy my stuff and on the way out, a checkout guy takes a friendly look into my bag for my receipt…just to make sure I haven’t boosted anything. Nothing personal.

Anyway, the bike store has been there for years, so they’ve probably stayed in business by taking the shoplifting precautions they take. That, along with consistent overpricing, is apparently their formula for longevity.

But OK, all that just makes me a once a year customer! Because, hey I’m cheap! As Austin Powers would say, that’s how I roll, baby! I need real deals, not BS retail deals, because said real deals are out there if you beat the bushes a bit.

So even though I like to support the local mom and pop brick and mortar bike shops, I just say no if their prices are ridiculous! Which is unfortunately often the case. So once a year 20 percent off sale it is for me. I know, I know, you’re thinking, what a cheap fucktard! And I’m OK with that! You see, I sell pencils on the street to make ends meet…

Anyway, in the interest of fair play, here’s a little video from the point of view of those hardworking people that do retail sales. Definitely, a low paying, underappreciated job. Check it out…

So OK, back on track to the cycling world...

Skin protection

I ride a lot in the summer sun and I bought the arm condoms – they’re white, tight and breathable, so your arms stay cool even in the sun and heat – because the skin on my arms were taking a beating from the sun and wind on sunny rides. I was using sunblock on my face arms and legs, but my arms weren’t getting enough protection. If I didn’t do something, it wouldn’t be long before they’d start looking the arms of one of those old overly tanned, leather skinned fat American retirees camped out in an RV old folks caravan on a Mexican beach. You know the look. Big boiler belly, skinny arms and legs, nut brown wrinkled leather skin, red marble bag Speedo. Gnarly!

So I got these white Pearl Izumi arm condoms, and I’ve found they really work great to fend off the sun and wind, while keeping the arms nice and cool. Give ‘em a shot if your arms are regularly torched.

By the way, the best sun protection for the face is sunblock stick made for babies. The key is having an active ingredient of zinc oxide, and/or titanium dioxide, which will actually keep the burn off your face. A lot of the stuff on the market says 70 SPF, blah blah blah, but if it doesn’t have the magic active ingredients in it, it won’t do the job, and your skin will burn. The good stuff  -- Aveeno and Top Care are a couple brands -- has a chalky consistency and some riders may not like the whitish tint it gives your face when you rub it in. I don’t care, since I’m fair skinned and need the protection badly. So what if I look like a mime when I go out to ride! Not a problem for me. Melanoma fears trump vanity every time.

By the way, the same goes for sunblock lotions. Make sure they have the zinc oxide, titanium dioxide or both. Banana Boat makes the stuff, and it works well for leg protection, and arm protection if you don’t use arm condoms.

Til next time, remember to always put on a helmet before getting on the bike. Then when you’re riding, do everything you can to keep the rubber side down!

-- Mark Eric Larson

Mark Eric Larson has written two books of essays, "The NERVE...of Some People's Kids," and "Don't Force it, Get a Bigger Hammer. To read, visit: 
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelfHis blog of personal essays is at: http://marksmuzings.blogspot.com/

Do the right thing! Offer help!

So there I was far into a ride, a few long rides after my back spokes had been trued. The wheel had been knocked out of round when, in trying to avoid a maniac dart by a squirrel in front of me, I jammed my heel into the spokes of the back wheel. Anyway, all was back to normal after the mechanic at my bike shop had adjusted the spokes. That is, until a few days ago when I was riding about 18 mph on flat road about ten miles from home, about 41 miles into the ride.

“POP!!”

Suddenly the bike slowed down all by itself, to a stop. I thought my new chain had somehow broken, the pop was that loud. But I got off the bike and looked as a guy in full riding kit stopped and asked if I was OK.

“Something blew up,” I said, then discovered a broken spoke near the base of the hub.

“I can’t ride it,” I said, noticing the wheel was so badly out of round that it just jammed into the frame of the bike.

“Have you got a ride?” the guy asked.

“Yes, I do. Gotta make a call.”

The guy waved down park maintenance guys driving by in a pickup and asked them the name of the street leading to the park just ahead.

“Chase Drive, right?” he asked, and they confirmed.

So I called home, told my wife that Chase Drive would get her to the park. The guy earlier suggested the closest bike shop he knew of, then looked up on his phone the nearest freeway exit I could tell my wife to take. I put the bike on my shoulder and started walking, and thanked the guy after my ride was arranged.

I really appreciated his stopping and doing all he could to help. I decided I need to do that more when I see someone who looks like they have a flat or mechanical problem. Yeah, do the right thing once in awhile!

Because when I’m out riding, I probably have too much of a ME thing going on. I’m riding hard to get a good time, and am so focused, I’m not really thinking about offering help to anybody I see stopped on the side of the bike path. Which is really not something to crow about. Kind of shameful, really.

I’ve flatted on days when many people are riding the trail (weekends) and have been off to the side fixing my flat.

All the while hearing a steady stream of:  “You OK?” “Need any help?” “Need any help?” “You OK?”

Which is great, but when I’m annoyed about a flat, hearing the constant “You Oks?” can itself be annoying. I wanted to put out a sign that read, “FYI, Now Hear This: I’m fixing my flat. I’m OK. I don’t need any help.

But thanks for asking.”

Sometimes, though, we all need help, and are really glad when somebody asks.

One time, my friend flatted when she ran over a thistle while we rode together, so I stopped, laid my bike on its side and helped her fix her flat. When we finished I picked up my bike only to hear the front tire gushing air: A needle-sharp thistle had pierced the side of my Kevlar tire when I’d laid the bike down on a bed of tamped down thistle plants on the side of the bike trail.

So this is a little bit annoying. I get out my spare inner tube and find out it has a leak in it. It’s late morning and the sun is blazing down, making me sweat like a prisoner in a hot box. I’m annoyed now by the heat, the seemingly freak flat, and again by having a spare tube that leaks. So I pull out my second spare inner tube, which experience has told me is a good idea to pack. I get it on the wheel and struggled through the sweat pouring off my forehead to get the tire wedged in place over it.

Another riding couple I know stopped to chat while all this was going on, with the guy saying with a laugh, “Remind me never to buy the Kevlar tires you have on your bike.”

At this point, I can’t believe this guy, I’m ready to blow. Really? Is that a good idea to say when watching somebody struggling through a bad patch of luck?

Anyway, he somehow got the vibe that he should just ride away, and he and his friend did so, I was happy to see. 

But in my funk, while wedging in the tire, I wasn’t careful enough and pinched the tube with my plastic levers and, guess what? This second tub was, because of my impatient struggling, also rendered no longer capable of holding air.

So my friend offered to ride to her truck to pick me up at a point about a half mile up the trail. I put the bike on my shoulder and start walking in my cleats, carrying the two useless tubes.

As I walked, I vainly tried to remain unannoyed by what had transpired in the last half hour, when two riders coming the other way rode past.

 “You OK?” asked the first guy.

“Out of tubes,” I say. “Gotta walk to a ride.”

“Hang on,” said the first guy. “I got a tube for ya.”

He and his buddy stop, he unfolds a spare tube and I release the flatted front tire.

“Thanks a lot,” I said. “I really appreciate this.”

“You’re an American, aren’t you?” he said.

The second guy, before I could do anything, pulled off the tire and, put the new tube on, then carefully seated the tire edges onto the rim, stretching it over the edges using his fingers and formidable hand strength.

They used an air cartridge to instantly blow up the tire, with the first guy getting a little freezer burn on his hand doing it.

So because of these guys’ generosity of stopping, donating a tube, helping with the change and donating an air cartridge, I was suddenly back on the bike. I called my friend and we were able to keep riding.

But only because of these nice guys.

So if I’m going to pay forward the help I’ve gotten when a problem has me stopped cold, I need to offer up help when I see somebody similarly in a fix. I need to get out of the ME mode and into the WE mode. It’s the better mindset, better for the greater good of fellow cyclists out there. Let’s all do this and we’ll be doing the right thing!

Now for something completely different

Congrats to Jimmy Fallon for getting the Tonight Show. Check out his audition for Saturday Night Live a few years ago. It shows some great comedic versatility. His Adam Sandler impression is amazing. If you just listen to that part and don’t watch, you’d swear it was Adam! Enjoy:

Til next time, remember to strap on a helmet before you get on the bike. And when you’re on it, there’s only one thing to remember: Keep the rubber side down!

-- Mark Eric Larson

Mark Eric Larson has written two books of essays, "The NERVE...of Some People's Kids," and "Don't Force it, Get a Bigger Hammer. To read, visit: 
http://www.scribd.com/Mark%20Eric%20Larson/shelfHis blog of personal essays is at: http://marksmuzings.blogspot.com/